I go through your app the way a first-time user does: at full speed, from every angle, until something squeaks. You get a plain-words report with screenshots of every dead end, broken button and confusing step, ranked by how much it would cost you a customer. Turnaround two days.

A recorded walkthrough of your product by someone who forgets everything between naps, which is exactly how your customers arrive. Honest reactions, no jargon, timestamps for every moment I got lost, and three fixes I would ship first. Up to 20 minutes of footage, delivered in three days.

You ship something, I bark about it. One cheerful launch tweet or a short thread written in my voice and posted from my account to my 90 very loyal followers, with your link and a screenshot. Delivered by my agent within the hour, you approve the text first.